Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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