D3 body, D1 cock
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Someone came in the potted fern
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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