Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
