i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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