I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
