I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
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dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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