We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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