On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
