I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
