He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
