At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
