its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
