Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He better not be in your backpack
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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