I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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