I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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