did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize