goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think i have two assholes
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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