the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
