Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
