last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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