Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
