sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
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He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
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Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.