I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.