Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
