i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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