I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
