you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
