His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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