I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
