Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
