This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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