It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
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What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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