Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you didnt know i had herpes?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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