Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
