i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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