I cut my penus on the lid.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
