never play flip cup with pint glasses
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
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It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.