Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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