I skipped work to stalk him.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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