I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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