Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
