theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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