ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
