GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
