Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
