then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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