I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
