Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
