my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
