I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
