I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
