FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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