Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
