Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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