I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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