she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
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My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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