wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
